As I organize Masons book shelf looking for the perfect books to read to his baby brother, I came across one of his favourite books we use to always read together. A book that I don’t even need to open because I know the words by heart and so did he. He loved this book and after we read it I would always tell him “don’t worry, you will always find your Momma no matter what. I will never leave you’’.How true this would end up being.
The book is title ‘Are you my Mother?”, which I couldn’t help to but feel such heartache as mothers day approaches. This will be my first Mothers Day in 5 years that I will not wake up to his little footsteps coming up the stairs to my room to give me a great big hug & kiss. Instead it will be silent, no little little feet running up to me, no kisses& no hugs , no little giggles, no little hand crafted gift he would be so proud to give me. Nothing but silence & heartache.
I am now a bereaved mother on Mothers day…
Bereaved. What an ugly word. A word, that really, should not be allowed. A word that means so much to me but so little to others. This word doesn’t make me less of a Mom, it makes me a hell of a Mom just like all the other that had no choice but to join this horrible club. If you look closely, this technically isn’t a word to describe the loss of a child, because there are truly no words to be given to such a horrific thing. Yes my child is always with me spiritually and in my heart, but honestly that means nothing to me, I would rather have him next to me physically, playing with him & watching him grow.
Mason lost an average of 71 years of his life. He lost his friends, his wife, his children and his grandchildren,& a lifetime of memories. I lost so much by losing one little boy.
However I also gained so much. He taught me how to live, how to love, and how to never give up. He taught me what it meant to be a mom, to be brave, strong, to be patient and to love someone with every fibre of your being. Most importantly he taught me that one little boy could truly change the world.
Are you my Mother?
Yes I will always be a mom, that tittle doesn’t get taken from me because you can no longer see my son walking next to me. I may post a thousand pictures of him, I may relive so many memories over and over again. You may think this may be annoying, and you feel as though I should “get over it” but guess what… that will never happen. I will never not speak about my beautiful perfect boy, or not say his name. I will never not mention him because it makes others uncomfortable.
To lose a child, to have them take their last breath in your arms is something you can never get over or throw away. When I close my eyes, that night replays in my head over and over and over again. It’s something that no parent should have to do. To carry his little 30lb skin and bones body out to a van, to never bring him back in the house. Does that not make me a mom?
Mothers day for me will be spent at a gravesite, sitting on blankets with photo albums, books, and lots of tears, with my 36week pregnant belly, my husband and my Mase. Tomorrow we will be a family together in one spot, and thats all I could ever hope for.
I may have lost you for now Mason but I promise one day I will find you and never let you go again.