One month with this perfect little bundle of full on joy, happiness and heart restoring little man. Miller Mase arrived June 1st, and it was the perfect way to start one of the hardest months of our lives.
I was so afraid to have a June baby. How was I going to feel? Could I be the mom he needed me to be? Or will I be so heartbroken from what I lost in June last year. During my whole pregnancy I had anxiety about if I would be enough for him or if I would love him as much as I love Mason. I didn’t think it was possible to love another as much as I love Mase. I’m sure this is common with all parents expecting a second child, but my main focus was that Mason would know that this wasn’t a replacement for him but a part of him that would continue his fight.
I dreamt from 9 months! What he would look like? Would he be his brothers twin, or completely different? Would he have his personality? Would he like the same things or even have those blue eyes & dimples ?!
It was 9 months of wondering if I could be a good mom again to another boy. Don’t get me wrong, I was so excited to be having another baby, but the fear of June is what made it hard. How could I be excited for June when that is the month I lost my son. It was a double edge sword, counting down the days till Miller made his arrival. Because that also meant counting down the days till Mason’s forever sleep anniversary. The closer June came, the more anxiety swept through my body. Wondering what day Miller would decide to join this world, and hoping, oh so hoping it wouldn’t be anywhere near the day we lost Mason.
(1st Mason. 2nd Miller)
June 1st came, and everything that had worried me before just flew right out the window. The moment I grabbed him and laid my eyes on him my heart was instantly restored with love that I felt I had lost. It was the perfect timing, the perfect moment of relief that he was here safe and sound. I instantly remembered how to be a mom and the same love I have for Mason, was now the same love I have for Miller. I no longer remembered the fear that I had. I held him in my arms and saw Mase in him, he was the perfect new addition to our family.
When I first saw Miller he looked nothing like Mason, he was much smaller, his head was a different shape and had completely different shaped eyes. Mason has his Papa’s(dad) forehead, eyes and ears, with my nose, lips, chin & dimples.
Miller is all me… his Momma! From the tip of his head right down to his very long toes! This of course meant that Mase & Miller have the same nose,lips,chin and so far dimples. Although it is always hard to tell in the first few weeks, Miller’s eyes have been getting bluer and bluer and looking like his brothers. We hope they stay that way!
It’s amazing to see that Miller makes some of the same faces that Mason would make & loves being sung the same songs that Mason loved. It is no doubt he has a lot of his big brother in him.
The new challenge I now face, is putting him down, or leaving him, even just for a few minutes. Since he has been born he has not left my side and now if I’m not with him I experience separation anxiety. Even if its just my husband holding him right next to me, I feel like I have to hold him so the I don’t miss a thing. I love being with him and I don’t want to miss any new little thing he does. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that he is a complete mommas boy, and to me that is the best feeling to have back!
Since we’ve brought him home he has attended all of his brothers events, met lots of supporters and new friends. He is full on, a part of the Fight Like Mason team!
Miller Mase has brought back a part of my heart that I didn’t think I could ever have back. The part that needed to be mom. He is NOT a replacement for Mason, he is the addition Mason knew we needed. My heart will never be completely healed or ever feel full because I lost Mason, but Miller has brought joy back into my life. He is such a happy and chill baby that loves to visit his brother& spend time in Mason’s room reading his favourite books.
Happy 1 month Miller Mase. I love you more then you will ever know.
Thanks to our amazing photographer Stephanie Lynn Photography for capturing our new addition so perfectly.
Thank you to the Dock-A-Tot for good sleeps & the Tula for letting me carry him around and work at the same time!
&thank you to everyone who sent a little gift to Miller xox
