Resilience.
A word that was thrown in our face so many times when it came to Mason’s fight against cancer.
He’s a kid, he’s resilient
He will get better, he’s resilient
Cancer doesn’t affect kids cause they are resilient.
I began to resent that word. Resent it for being used so much when it came to Mason, especially after he passed away.
The definition of resilience is “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties, toughness.”
A definition I have a hard time with understanding. How can anyone recover “quickly” from difficulties?
Psychologists look at resilience as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress.
How do we adapt well to trauma and tragedy though?
Now, 4 years after Mason passed away, I’m starting to find gratitude in this word. Finding myself in this word. Allowing myself to not give up… on me.
Finding resilience doesn’t mean you forget and move on. It means to bring the trauma, the tragedy, into your energy – take it and run with it.
It’s not a simple mindset and a is difficult one to focus on.
Still today I struggle. I struggle so much everyday. Fighting with what I couldn’t control, fighting with guilt and fighting the path I’ve been handed in this life.
This is when resilience once again entered my life. I took that last breath Mason breathed while I was holding him so tightly and I take that with me. It’s energy I give to being the best version of myself, to being okay with failure, to allowing myself to be proud of what I’ve been able to accomplish. To push through the hardship and yet allowing myself to fall the days I need to.
With resilience comes failure … and being okay with it. To being okay with the fight against yourself. & being okay with the hard and sad days.
I didn’t get to choose the life I was handed, but I can choose what I do with that energy, that pain.
Resilience isn’t a word we associate with as an adult, and I want to change that. Because you are resilient, we together are resilient in so many different ways.
Resilience is being able to say yes when your whole entire body wants to say no. When you wish you didn’t have to walk, or get out of bed. When you wish you could just quit and stay on the floor.
In resilience I had to learn to fight for myself, to know my self worth, to allow myself to be proud of who I am, even though my scars run much deeper then anyone will ever know.
Resilience doesn’t just appear, it takes work, like climbing a mountain. You don’t get to the top right away, you have set backs on your way and question if you can continue on. Resilience takes time, takes self work. Being resilient doesn’t mean you aren’t suffering, you aren’t stressed or having hardships. But it is how you adapt and work through those hardships coupled with the stress and the negativity. The first step in resilience is believing in yourself, allowing your self to be okay with what you can’t control, but being in control in how you navigate it.
Gratitude has helped me in finding my resilience. Gratitude that some times feels impossible.
Coping skills, finding them, has been another not so easy step. Coping with the understanding that’s it is okay to fall, that its okay to have setbacks and figuring out how will you bounce back. That bounce back may take months, years or even decades to find. Coping skills don’t get easier, they are something that must always be worked on.
Our biggest stressors now come with social media and how easy it is for someone to criticize you, in your appearance, your success or in your beliefs. It is easy for someone to judge you when they are hiding behind a keyboard. This one has taken its toll on me so much. The threats, the criticism, the body shaming and the negativity of others knocking others down to make themselves look better. However in 2021, I will be resilient when it comes to those comments, to those who feel the need to hurt others to make themselves feel superior.
I’m a mess and still broken. I am finding my way back, even though it feels like someone has stolen the light I once had.
It hurts to breath, but I am resilient.
I will take this energy and turn it into making my voice heard, into making it known that I am human, to be okay with failing and falling but always rising back up even if I fall a thousand times.
I am resilient & I will find a way to be proud of it.
Now repeat that daily, in the morning, before bed or when you are finding it hard to breathe.
We still have 360 days left this year & I plan to finally find my self worth.
