Don’t Blame Me.

When we can’t explain something, we always look for someone or something to blame. & with childhood cancer, the blaming game seems to be popular against moms. At least for me, it seems as though everyone is quick to blame me. Whether it’s for what I fed him, how I grew him or even where I brought him.

The first time you meet any doctor, whether it was the oncologist, the surgeons or even a medical student, the first questions they ask you are, “How was your pregnancy? Did you do something you weren’t suppose to? Was everything normal?” They next thing they ask you is if you ever took any medication during your pregnancy that could be harmful to your child and then your family history… as if you are the reason your child has cancer. I understand they need to know it all, and at 2 years old there wasn’t much history on my child. However, those being the first words after hearing the diagnosis of your child, you can’t help but feel blamed for your child being sick.

The blame game doesn’t stop in the hospital but continues out in public.  Everyone wants to know what I fed my child, as if I purposely gave him food that would give him cancer. They want to know if he was breastfed, what cleaning products I used, what my job was and if I took him on vacation anywhere. I get it, as a parent looking in on me, you wouldn’t want to raise your child as I did, since the fear of cancer is a strong one.

It’s bad enough I blame myself for not saving my child, but when everyone else also tries to blame you,  it feels as though you were the reason you couldn’t save your child.

So let’s go through this:
– My pregnancy was great, no issues at all.
– I was 21,the birth was perfect. 
He came out 8lbs 11oz and 22.5inches, with not one health issue.
– I breastfed him for 15months and then pumped until he was 18months.
– W
e made his baby food & he loved vegetables & fruits.
– I was a stay at home mom during the first year of his life then went back to school
– He never ate any red meat or pork
– Never gave him sweets ( since he was 2 when he was diagnosed)
– We only ever brought him to Disney world
– & for family history on my side, he only ever had to worry about high blood pressure.

Mason was 2 years old when he was diagnosed with cancer… no one is to blame.  Something just switched in his body. As the doctors said, you won the worst lottery.

Would I do anything different? Nope, not one thing.

Although I will always blame myself everyday for what happen to Mason, and that will never change. I do however hope one day, we won’t always try to point fingers for something we don’t understand.

To all my fellow moms who have a child with cancer, as much as I know you do, try not to blame yourselves. You are incredible and would never stop at anything to make sure your child has the best life. Never forget that.

Comments

  1. Well said Chantelle. Somethings can never be explained. You and Iain are an inspiration to all of us.

    1. You have done amazing things for mason and our community! It is rediculous to blame you or anybody for an unfortunate diagnosis. May those who look at others with judgement never experience the pain and suffering you and your family has endured. People need to look around at our world, climate change, chemicals in our air etc. We all could learn to be more mindful. I get the guilt you feel but I hope you can one day let that go as it is far too heavy to carry as you did absolutely nothing to deserve losing your son. You are an inspiration! Some people will never get it and just keep on being you, never let others opinions of you define you.

  2. When Olivia was dx the first thing I did was believe I must have done something wrong. I wish people would stop sending me information everytime they sèe an article online about this or that causing cancer, to me all they are doing is affirming my doubts, its done and it seems like common sense that a mom in our situations wouldnt want propaganda sent to us on a daily bases.

  3. Thanks for sharing. Blaming someone or something won’t change a thing! You did all you could .

  4. Every single day, we are plagued with questions, and spend countless hours going through our child’s whole life to find answers that are not there. We do this to ourselves and will for the rest of our lives. And then people who mean well want those answers too. We will never have those answers. We have, and had, no choice in this. Our children were chosen to take this journey for some reason, and we were chosen to walk it with them, and then to pick ourselves up and to do something good in their memory. Because we can’t have just lost them and not do something good. You are doing just that. Our children expected no less! We will love them and carry them in our hearts forever, with every breath that we take.
    COURAGE, Chantelle, Iain and to all parents who know this bittersweet love for a child gone too soon,
    Annette

  5. Well said and absolutely saddened that with the loss alone of Mason that you would need to have this burden to bare also. My baby has epilepsy and although there is no explained cause of course I can’t help but think was it because of this fall she had at 6 months or my pregnancy etc. Mom guilt is the worst. Stay lifted and if love could have saved Mason… hugs

  6. No one on this planet can quantify what you and your family went through. These people are looking for reasons to hurt you because of their own insecurities. All of you still shine with perseverance despite what happened, and turned tragedy into hope for other children. People are jealous of that. They look for reasons to ‘take you down a notch’. I know you will keep going and fighting on because you and your family are strong!

  7. As a mother of a child born with a genetic disorder I can sympathize with you. We always wonder what if. But the drs are right. We won the worst lottery. And like you I wouldn’t change a thing. I pray you can find peace. You have all done amazing things and that’s the good in all of this.

  8. You love your children and that speaks volumes. It can be difficult to understand the ignorance of others. Continue to be the positive , courageous and best advocate for the fight like Mason foundation. You have done AMAZING things and Mason is definitely proud to have you as his mommy.

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