Change in weather.

It feels like it’s been forever since I put my words onto paper. We’ve been busy with many events,  that we were lucky enough to be apart of, and heard so many beautiful stories about how our little boy inspired others.

This post may be a mishmash of feelings but I have so much I want to say.

Once all the busyness calmed down, the emotions hit me like a ton of bricks.

The first day of school. Mason would be going into kindergarten, getting to see all his friends, having him pick out his first outfit, packing his lunches and walking him to school is something I wish I could have had. I loved seeing everyones first day of school pictures, how proud they are of their kids and how some had tears to see them go into another grade. To be honest, that day I was so jealous of each and everyone of those pictures, as beautiful as they all were, I couldn’t help but wish I could have post a picture of Mason.

I made a mistake on the second day of school, I decided to go on walk with Miller as we always do in the morning. But this time I decided to take a different path. This path, without even thinking, lead me to Mason’s school. The kids were playing outside, having fun running around playing with their friends, and of course my heart broke. As I walked the entire way around, tears streamed down my face, I couldn’t help it, my heart was breaking, as I missed my boy so much. I began getting angry. The anger or the feeling of desperation is not something you like to feel. I was angry, so angry at the world for taking my boy away from me. Angry that I couldn’t do anything to help him, angry that now when I speak of him, most give me the look of “get over it”. 

Its been a battle, when strangers see Miller and ask that dreaded question, “Is this your first?” I know when I say the words,  “No he has an older brother who is 5”, I’ll get the next question, “Oh you must have your hands full?” To which I reply, “ I wish I did but …” And then I get the look. The look. That mortified look. The look that says “get me away from this person”. Usually the silence follows and I’m left standing there holding back the tears.

When I hear the words, “ I don’t know how you do it…If I lost my child I would die”, what you don’t realize when saying these words is that when my son died, most of me went with him. I wish I could just sit in bed and never get out of my Pj’s, but the difference is I promised my son that I would continue his fight to make sure cancer gets an ass kicking it deserves. I am not as strong as I appear, I am just surviving. I am making sure my son has a legacy, is never gone and always has a voice.

But these last few weeks have been rough..

Maybe its the weather. The fact that we are heading into another season without my Mason or maybe the fact that life is just going by too fast. These past two weeks have been hard. From multiple hits, and from everyone moving on with there life and forgetting the pain we still feel. Its been a stressful time trying to prove myself to everyone questioning the foundation while trying to keep everything under control. HA! Control – a word that no longer exists in my world.

Maybe I have to accept the fact that I have no longer control of my life, from waves of emotions hitting me hard, to some days just spinning in circles.

Ooh how I miss my Mason so much.

Comments

  1. Sending lots of love to you! Please don’t hesitate to share your Mason with anyone no matter their reaction, do it for you & your heart, and for the awareness, do it for Mason’s voice because he matters. Some won’t understand but some will and they are the ones who matter! There are far too many of us walking this road with you, know you can reach out anytime, we get you and we are fighting with you!❤️🎗

  2. Seriously.. You are doing the best you can…. Your dedication to your foundation is amazing.. I’m not sure if I were in your shoes that I could handle it.. I can’t even imagine what you go through everyday.. I think you are an amazing mother and person.. And I don’t even know you! 😍😍

  3. My heart goes out to you. No kidding you are angry,who wouldn’t be? You go through the different stages of grief and how horrible it is that you even have to!! I sit here Trying to put words together to somehow try to console and support you,but how is that even possible? The life your family had when Mason was alive is no more and you are supposed to put a brave face and carry on!!truthfully I don’t know how you manage to do that. I don’t know you personally but I follow your blogs and have bought your clothing in honour of Mason. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hate it when I hear people say it gets easier because I don’t believe that statement,all I
    can say is embrace the good days and be sad on the bad days because you are certainly entitled to that.😘❤️🙏

  4. As I read this my chest feels heavy💔 I can’t avoid not crying …Mason deserved to live a long happy life . All I can say is Mason will never be forgotten 😇 He will forever be in my ❤️ And please ignore ignorance that sometimes people show…Only you And your husband know the pain of loosing your beautiful son

  5. My heart breaks for you! I lost my dad in 2014 and my mom this past August both to cancer. As a single mom they were not only my parents, best friends, grandparents, mentors and our strength which was all taken away in three years. When our hero (my dad) passed I cried for three months straight and was finally getting some balance in life when my mother was diagnosed beginning of April. When the doctor told us the diagnosis I froze and have remained that way since. I don’t think time heals I just have to find another way to live my life (hopefully). Praying for you and your family.

  6. I wish you all the strength you and your family need to continue each day. From a mom who loves her son

  7. Please never feel like you have to “get over” Mason’s death. Losing someone you love isn’t something you “get over”. As time passes, you learn to live without them. You find a different way to live now that they are gone. What you are doing is wonderful! The fight like Mason foundation will give others something that unfortunately, Mason never had, but will keep his memory alive. Please keep writing your blogs, please keep telling stories of Mason – they inspire so many people. And it is great for you too. He lived, and will continue to live through your stories and through the foundation. I can’t even imagine what you are going through, but know that for each individual who gives you the “get over it” look, so many more relate to the pain that you feel inside and recognize that talking about, remembering, and sharing Mason’s life is a part of the grieving process. Your grief will likely never end, as you and Ian have been robbed of so many life events, but know that it is ok to grieve. I wish more people understood your struggle so you wouldn’t have to experience “the look” or the awkward silence.

  8. you should write a book with the proceeds going to Masons foundation. you and Masons story inspire so many and it would help you and others in similar situations.

  9. I wish I could give you a hug. No words just a long lasting deep hug. I don’t know how you feel, but I KNOW YOU FEEL. Your blogs make us feel too. I cry everytime. Xo

  10. You keep doing whatever helps your heart and your Family. I hope eventually the deep pain will ease, and all your sweet memories become healing. But, in Your time, no one else has the right to decide when that will happen ♥️

  11. You are a pillar of strength and love that I admire so much. You’re family has done so much for all children who are battling this horrible disease and it is the people like you that have their voices heard and continue to fight everyday, especially the days you feel like you can’t; that will kick cancers ass! Our prayers and thoughts are always with you.

  12. You are braver than you know, but you are human. You get up every day and fulfill your promise to Mason with this foundation. You care for Miller and tell him about his big brother. You share this part of your life with us as hard as is some days. I can’t truely image your loss but your strength inspires me. Grief has no time frame, love is forever.

  13. You may feel as though you are weak but you are not you are stronger then you know. You get up each morning and you get going. The amount of strength needed to do that after losing a child is a strength only you know. You have the strength that Mason knew you would. All the events you do all the happiness you bring to those children will never be forgotten. You are a hero to them and Mason. Hold your head up high and never stop talking about your sweet boy. Don’t worry about what others think because they don’t matter. You are strong and never forget that. Always talk about Mason to his brother and everyone around you because Mason is always around you sending you strength, love and courage. The pain you feel is something only you and your husband know but God will always comfort you and let you know Mason loves you and is so proud of you. Keep your head up high because you are a super woman. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

  14. Omg im so sorry.. hes still here but he is in our hearts .. ive never met your family but ive followed it since he was 3 .. i still think of him

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